EVERY SINGLE HUMAN-BEING FOLLOWS PROCESSES…
It’s how we live our lives whether we know it or not
We don’t simply get a loaf of bread. We need to prepare the ingredients and put it in the oven first
It’s the same for relationships
How we get out of them, and how we get into them
Getting into a relationship has a process. Even with your Ex-Girlfriend. It’s simply a matter of following the right steps in the right order
She needs to feel a certain way first before she can feel anything else…
Recently I harassed some fellow relationship experts and asked them to give up their first 5 steps to getting an Ex-Girlfriend back
How they go about priming a woman’s mind to get her ready to give him another chance…
And with some arm twisting, they did.
The First 5 Steps to Successfully Getting Your Ex Back
STEP #1 – Noticing The Wall Your Ex Has Put Between the Two of You
I remember my first ever relationship, a couple of weeks before she broke up with me that there was something different…
She wasn’t as spontaneous, and looking back I think she had something on her mind
Dating expert Clay Andrews says that this is the first step in turning things around
You may be further down the line than this but it’s important to think back to when you noticed a shift in her
You’ll know because:
- She stopped sharing things with you
- She didn’t look at you the same way
- She started cancelling plans all of a sudden
And although you may think the break-up came out of the blue, if you give it some thought it could help you reconsider…
Was there a day where things were different (like I noticed) or maybe it happened slowly over time?
Either way, the first step to getting your ex-girlfriend back is to notice when things tapered off…
If you’re having trouble pinpointing the situation, Clay has kindly put this video together to help…
And you can find out more about Clay’s teaching and program by taking this quiz here or find his eBook that’s titled ‘The 5 Phases to Get Your Ex Back’ here.
Step #2: Understand What Is Pushing Her Away
“There’s a huge misconception among men that if they upset their girlfriend then they’re going to lose her.” – Psychologist Christopher Canwell
Although it sounds like the opposite of what you should do, upsetting your girlfriend is NOT necessarily what is pushing her away (99% of the time at least)
Instead, it’s boring, being predictable and generally ‘playing it safe’. Your girlfriend wants to feel what it’s like to be a player in the game, ride the bumps, get knocked down occasionally, and score the winning goal…
Not watch from the sidelines
She wants to feel the range of emotion that comes from being with a man. It keeps her guessing, she loves the drama and uncertainty of it
Believe it or not, keeping her in this state has been scientifically researched and thought to increase attraction.
If you play it too nice and are too safe then she won’t feel these emotions, and she will start looking for someone who can give them to her…
The big take away here is not to overcompensate. It’s a trap that many guys fall into. A lot of guys think their girlfriend is going to leave them and they overcompensate by buying flowers, crying and saying ‘I can change for you’
She DOES NOT WANT YOU TO CHANGE. If anything she wants you to go back to the guy you were, the man that she once was attracted to and that she desired.
What type of guy were you when she desired you more than anyone? You can see more of Christopher’s advice about how to be that guy again here.
Step #3: Back off
This step follows right on from the previous step, and like most of Michael Sweeney’s advice it doesn’t mess around
‘Back off’ with your attention and affection
Here’s a question for you…
Has any of the following crossed your mind?
- Calling her because you just need to tell her something that will make it all OK
- Talking to her friends about convincing her to get back with you
- Sending her messages on social media about how you want to commit to her
If they have then get them out of your mind. These ideas are coming out of neediness and aren’t attractive at all. They are not going to help you get her back
And if you have done any of these, then let’s agree right now that it needs to stop
Michael Sweeney says that these behaviors are actually pushing her further away…
So the third step is really about stopping something if you are doing it, not so much about doing something different
Michael says that women make decisions based on how they feel about the relationship they have with someone at that very moment
And if she feels that you need her (which these three behaviors demonstrate) she won’t want all the pressure and will run the other way
The trick is don’t ask her to be back with you when she doesn’t feel good towards you. She won’t give you the answer you are looking for
But when she:
- Feels better about you
- Is once again excited to see you
- Starts making plans to hang out again
She will reconsider..
So how do you give her that giddy feeling she craves when she’s in your presence again? Michael reveals all in his book ‘Get Her Back: FOR MEN ONLY’ available here
(Part A) – If You Did Something To Cause the Breakup (i.e. cheating) Then Apologize
Step four is broken up into two parts because they go together
Firstly in part A, if you did something that caused the breakup, like cheating or just being overly stupid for a lot of the time then apologise
She needs to know that you are serious about this. And that it meant something when you said sorry
It’s vitally important that you do this honestly and sincerely
You can do it face to face, with SMS, but a letter (handwritten) I think is the best way to get the message across…
Why a letter? A letter gives her the power. She can read it when she wants, and take the time to process it how she likes
It’s also something that you don’t typically do (im guessing), so the communication channel hasn’t been potentially corrupted by fights, or mundane messages like ‘can you get the bread tonight?’ etc.
There’s also just something about receiving a handwritten letter. You know that someone has put time and thought about it. and there’s feeling in it
Anyhow, you need to tell her something like…
“I love you, but we both know that I’ve made a huge mistake. It’s something that I think about every day
I’d like to say that I’m strong enough not to fall into temptation again, but the truth is I need to become a better man
I know that I have hurt you by the way that you have acted. I understand that when you act out towards other people you are really venting your frustration with me. I am sorry
I want us to be stronger than ever, and I know if I can work past my faults that we can move past this. You mean the world to me.”
Part B – Acknowledge that the relationship is over
The hard truth of the matter is that the relationship you had with your girlfriend is over…
If you get your ex-girlfriend back, you will be starting a new relationship with her
The old one faded because there was something about it or you that wasn’t right…
You weren’t mature enough, you lost interest, you lost respect for each other, you weren’t ready, etc.
Now is the time to tell her, that you accept that it’s over
This step is crucial. If you don’t do this, then she will think that she has broken it off with you and that’s final
You don’t want this. Time to suck it up and let her know that now, it’s ‘mutual’
You can also do it in a letter, face-to-face or SMS. Either way, you want to say something along the lines of…
“I want you to know that I have cherished the time being with you and I wouldn’t take it back or change it for anything
But I agree with you that our relationship is over and this chapter of our lives has come to an end”
You really want to let her know that its over…
It gets rid of the expectations, the labels and all the bad stuff that is actually weighing down your future together (although she may not know that last bit)
And it will help you to start building that future together, even though it sounds counter-intuitive
So how do you start rebuilding that shared future, where the two of you grow old and wrinkly together? Michael reveals his Get-Your-Ex-Back plan including messages you can copy and paste to re-spark the attraction again in his book ‘Text Your Ex Back’ available here
Step 5 – The No Contact Plan
In this step, Brad Browning gives us his best tip for getting your ex back
“The no contact strategy”
This basically means from the date that you told your Ex that you accept the relationship is over, for the next 4 weeks do not contact her
He says this works for 3 main reasons…
Using absence in your favor is an extremely powerful force that can draw your Ex back to you, all by itself
Time will settle any negative emotions she has so the more positive ones can come back
Ever noticed how your memory you typically only remember the fun stuff. Primary school is a good example. While you were there you were probably bored most of the time, but no when you look back it was the best time of your life…
We aren’t going to leave it that long, but some time can help heal and reveal what’s really important in someone’s life. And this is to your advantage
Your confidence levels will rise because you are starting to take charge.
When you’re going through a break-up, no contact is really the only strategy you can control.
You can’t pick up the phone, because she may not answer so by taking charge, you are starting to get confident again
And you need your confidence to be the ‘you’ that she fell for in the first place
Time to Plan
No contact will also level out your emotions and let you put together some kind of plan. It will help you and give you time to do some self-development and learning so you can become a better man.
This is vital to your pursuit
Your previous relationship proved that the person who you were wasn’t ready. Now it’s time to improve.
- Learn how to communicate better
- Dress better
So what type of plan should you put together when you want to reunite with your Ex-Girlfriend?
Brad reveals his three-step plan in his highly recommended book called ‘The Ex Factor.’ You can get your copy here
There is also a chapter in there on how to become a better man so your ex-girlfriend won’t be able to resist you…
The next steps…
These 5 steps may feel like they are taking you away from your Ex. But think of them as demolishing the old stuff that didn’t work and putting down the foundation down for a new relationship.
At the end of the day, the foundation doesn’t look like much but it’s the most important part of the house
It keeps everything else standing…
And in this case, it puts you in a place where you can go forward knowing that you’ve got the rest of you covered and you have the best chance of getting your Ex-Girlfriend Back
Again i’d like to say thanks to the experts who helped put this article together. If you’d like to see any more of their advice then here it is:
- Clay Andrews: Relationship Inner Game
- Christopher Canwell: Girlfriend Recovery System
- Michael Sweeney: Get Her Back
- Michael Fiore: Text the Ex Back
- Brad Browning: The Ex Factor
If you have any questions or queries then contact me here.