EXPERT ADVICE: My Ex has Moved on but I Still Love Her

My Ex has Moved on but I Still Love Her - Man looking at picture of ex girlfriend

YOUR FEELINGS DID NOT walk out of your life when your girlfriend did. The feelings linger: you miss her. You are tempted to call her and tell her how much you want her back.

Walking away from a meaningful relationship is never easy

It is completely normal to be still attached to your ex-girlfriend: loving your ex-girlfriend long after a breakup is perfectly ok. After spending so much time being close and intimate, it makes sense to be stuck in love. Detaching yourself is even harder when the breakup was not your decision.

According to relationship experts, just because you broke up with your girl does not mean that the feeling of love stops. Indeed, therapists indicate that many people still love their exes for some time after the breakup. Being hung up on your ex-girlfriend is nothing to be alarmed about.

“Love’s favorite thing to do is to stick around when it isn’t convenient”

To get back with your ex-girlfriend or not, especially after she has already moved on?

The act of getting over the end of a relationship is not easy.

Sometimes, when a relationship ends, you may doubt whether breaking up was the right thing to do.

You will know for sure that the relationship was not healthy, and you will be perfectly aware that she no longer wants to be with you, but somehow, you will still feel that the relationship should not be over. And you will be convinced that if you give the relationship one more chance, the outcome will indeed be different.

Things are even more confusing when your ex-girlfriend decides to move on. The main part of breakup pain is not being able to understand how she can just move on with her life. How can she just disregard what you had?

  • So, apparently, she didn’t love you that much in the first place
  • The relationship didn’t mean that much to her; she is finding the break up easy while you are still in pain.
  • She was probably seeing another guy behind your back

Just because she’s moved on, does it mean she’s over you?

But, according to relationship therapists, it is possible that all the thoughts above aren’t true. Just because your ex-girlfriend has seemingly moved on doesn’t mean that she is over you, or that she doesn’t still love you, or that the relationship didn’t matter to her.

Many times people move on into a new relationship because they think that they will fill the void of a breakup. What if this is the case with your ex-girlfriend? Maybe she has moved on hoping to fill the void of being without you, which she cannot handle alone.

This could be a band-aid to heal the wound in her heart temporarily. ‘Moving on’ for your ex-girlfriend could be a coping mechanism for the loneliness that she feels after the breakup.

“When a relationship ends, there is a tendency to ‘cherry-pick’ and only think about the stuff that was nice in the relationship.”

According to relationship experts, you should pursue your ex-girlfriend if:

The fact that your ex-girlfriend has moved on should, therefore, not discourage you from pursuing her. However, it is essential to determine whether it is a good idea to get back with your ex-girlfriend, depending on the nature of your breakup.

You broke up due to bad timing

According to Kristen Mark, assistant professor at the University of Kentucky, many couples break up due to bad timing rather than more fundamental issues. As such, if the couple gets back together, the new relationship has excellent chances of survival. Could this be you and your ex-girlfriend?

You have remained friends even after the breakup

Result by a 2014 study by the National Bureau of Economics revealed that ex-partners who remain friends even after they have separated are twice more likely to establish a stable relationship the second time around.

If your friendship has remained stable even after the breakup and your communication is uncompromised, you have a better chance of building a healthy new relationship with your ex-girlfriend.

You had a great relationship

How would you describe your former relationship? Did you have honesty, trust, respect and excellent communication? If your relationship was healthy in all these four areas, you could say that your relationship was great. And you know what, you have the chance to create a fantastic relationship once again.

The breakup was a rash decision

Sometimes people break up because of pride and ego. This kind of a breakup is often not well thought out. You said something, or she said something, the other person overreacted and left. If this was the case, your feelings are intact, and you can still build a strong relationship.

Could your relationship have suffered from a circumstantial breakup? Sometimes, couples break up because one of the partners had to relocate to another city for college or business. In such a case then it is worth a try to get back together as long as the circumstances have changed.

Did you know: Research shows that one-third of cohabiters and one-fifth of spouses have experienced a breakup and renewal in their current relationship?

When pursuing your ex-girlfriend is a bad idea

Research shows that we are attracted to what is familiar to us. This is known as the Law of Familiarity. A study by UCLA psychological researchers revealed that when you invest time, energy, money and physical contact on a person, you tend to describe more value to them. No wonder you are so drawn to your ex-girlfriend even when you know better.

Combined with a man’s innate desire to fix what is broken, it is inevitable that you will miss your ex-girlfriend even when the two of you together just can’t work.  There are, therefore, many cases when getting back together with your ex-girlfriend will not yield a happy ending.

“Falling out of love seems to be a process that is painstakingly longer than falling in love is”

The fact that you still love your ex-girlfriend or you miss her is not a good reason to get back with her. Other factors that are poor reasons for pursuing a relationship with your ex-girlfriend include:

  • Feeling miserable without your ex-girlfriend
  • Thinking you cannot live without her
  • Still believing she is your soul mate
  • You cannot imagine a life without her

According to a 2013 study by Kansas State University, many couples who reconnect after a breakup assume that their partners have changed for the better. They also get back together with the assumption that this time around they will communicate better.

As such they do not work at ironing out important issues. This subsequently affects the new relationship negatively.

  • Further research shows that people who date their ex-partners:
  • Have worse communication
  • Make more decisions that negatively affect the relationship
  • Have a lower self-esteem
  • Have a higher uncertainty about the future

The verdict

We will not tell you whether to get back to your ex-girlfriend or not, because no two situations are exactly the same. However, there is an easy formula to help you make the decision.

Relationship therapists recommend that you give the relationship an honest assessment. Consider both the good and the bad experiences that stand out from the relationship. Doing this will help you understand why things ended and whether you want to avoid or replicate the situation.

You may miss your ex-girlfriend terribly, and this ok. But, if you are not convinced that getting back with her is a wise decision you need to let her go. Getting back with your ex-girlfriend is sometimes a quick fix. But honestly, it’s not always the answer.

“Trust your intuition, trust your worth, and dare to venture on the other side of discovery. It may be difficult, but it is much sweeter than getting back into a relationship that will only bring you sorrow.”

6 Signs of Being Pushed Away by Your Girlfriend

Signs of Being Pushed Away - Girlfriend looking distant
Signs of Being Pushed Away - Girlfriend looking distant

SOMETHING CHANGED…

You can’t quite put your finger on it; all you know is that there’s a different vibe.

She’s put up a wall has gone up, and you are wondering what is happening.

The fact:

Every man has gone through this: it does not matter how rich or good looking you are, or how stable your relationship is. Your woman will at some point pull away from you.

Why does a woman pull away?

  • You are clingy
    • A woman will push you away if you keep chasing her. No matter how many good qualities you possess, you will come off as unappealing when you get clingy.
  • You lack confidence
    • If you exhibit a lack of self-worth, your woman will push you away. Women are wired to look up to their men, and it is hard to admire and rely on a man who lacks confidence.
  • It is a coping mechanism
    • If your girl was hurt before, pushing you away is a coping mechanism for perceived eventual hurt. What do you know about your girlfriend’s previous love life?
  • You have had one too many fights
    • Sometimes, your relationship may have just run its course. You have been fighting and making up. She is tired and is ready to move on.
  • She is unable to forgive you
    • You might have done something that hurt her deeply. Even though you have presumably solved an issue, somewhere deep down, it is still bothering her.
  • She is falling too quickly
    • If the relationship is getting too serious too fast, your girlfriend might get scared. If she feels as if things are going out of control, she will pull away, hoping to keep the relationship with a certain boundary.
  • She doesn’t see a future with you
    • This might sound harsh, but partners do fall out of love suddenly and mysteriously. When this happens, your woman might pull away instead of ending the relationship there and then. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy. She hopes that you will take the cue and end the relationship.

6 Signs that your girlfriend is pushing away

They say that ignorance is bliss, but not in this case. The earlier you realize that your relationship could be in trouble, the sooner you can take measures to restore it.

Here are some signs of being pushed away by your girlfriend.

1. You are no longer part of her plans

When she was still into you, she was super excited to make plans with you. Recently, however, she is dodging plans and cancelling last minute, a little too often. If this is happening, it could mean that she is either indecisive about the relationship and she is preferring to do something else than spending time with you.

If your woman is having doubts about the relationship, she will also weed you out of her social life. Is she going for parties all by herself, attending weddings alone, and going bar hopping sessions with her friends, all which you previously did together? This is a sure shot sign that she no longer feels the same about you.

2. Communication between the two of you ceases

When communication patterns change, it is a crucial sign that your woman is unhappy in the relationship. Your girlfriend’s good morning messages, late night calls and texts will become less frequent. Even though she may not be calling it quits, she could be taking the time to put things into perspective.

3. Your girlfriend is more quiet than usual

You will notice that your girlfriend is becoming more withdrawn and will open to you less and less. It’s date night and you are in a nice restaurant, or you are taking a walk in the park, but you will feel like she is not there physically. Indeed, you will feel as if she is tolerating your presence; as if she wishes she was elsewhere. This is a clear indication that your girlfriend is no longer emotionally available to you.

4. Sex isn’t the same anymore

When the chemistry in a couple is affected, sex is one of the first things to suffer. If you find that your woman is no longer excited about the things that she loved doing in bed, know that something is up. You might also notice that she no longer cares about the things that were important to her, like shaving her legs or bikini waxes. Her sexy lingerie now rests at the bottom of her drawer.

These small things are some of the most telling signs of her waning interest in the relationship.

5. She gives in easily during a fight

If there has been constant friction in the relationship, your girl will prefer to be complacent instead of fighting with you. If you notice that she walks out on you halfway through a fight or merely shrugs her shoulders and seems to give up, know that your girl is beginning not to care about the relationship.

Also, you will realize that she doesn’t bother to give you explanations anymore. A woman who is withdrawing from a relationship will no longer bother trying to explain things or reassure you when you feel aggrieved.

You will get angry and calm down by yourself, and you will not receive any explanation from her because she no longer cares enough to give you one.

6. She is disrespectful towards you

Nowadays, your girl is nitpicking and is easily annoyed. She gets super angry when you leave dishes out, and gets furious when you forget the toothpaste in the sink. While these things can really get under one’s skin, they didn’t seem to bother her before.

Her new temperament is characteristic of someone who is considering cutting things off and is starting to look for things to validate her decision. Your woman’s disrespect is a very telling sign that there’s not enough for her in the relationship anymore.

If you feel in your gut that you are losing your girlfriend’s respect, do not ignore the feeling. It is time to confront the situation before all doubts are cleared and you lose the relationship.

Attraction isn’t a choice; it’s a response

People don’t choose who they are attracted to. In other words, your woman responds to your confidence, how you communicate, how you treat her and other triggers. That means, if your girlfriend is pushing you away, there is a huge possibility that you have something to do with it.

Could it be because you no longer act as the man that she fell in love with? Are you possibly behaving in ways that turn you into an obligation for her? Have you neglected her needs?

This is an opportunity for you to take a hard look at yourself and your interactions with your girlfriend. It may have nothing to do with you, but if it is, there is no better time for you to move to save your relationship.