The Ins and Outs of Dating for Shy People – What the Experts Have to Say

Dating for Shy People - Man and Woman on a bench

Dating for Shy People - Man and Woman on a bench


Experts indicate that introverts find comfort in their own inner world, as opposed to the outside world. While social interactions energize the extroverted guy, they suck all the energy from a shy guy.

Even when the shy guy wants to be with other people, he does not know how. This is because behind his shyness is extreme self-consciousness. Shy guys worry that other people are constantly judging them, they fear failure and rejection, and they worry that they will be disrespected.

Also, they constantly blame themselves for negative outcomes. A professor of psychology at Indiana University has coined the phrase ‘shy narcissism’.

Shy guys and dating

Experts say that the mind of an introvert is hyperactive; continually indulging in negative fantasies and replaying negative memories. A shy guy will treat every date as a high stakes interaction that he has to get right. He will focus on the reasons a girl may not like him and significantly underplay his good qualities.

He will work hard to make the date perfect. When the date finally happens, he will overthink everything and nervousness will get the better of him.  Eventually, when the date does not go the way he planned it, he will retreat and shut down.

A shy guy does not have to have a hard time dating. Sophia Dembling, who researches and writes about introverts, says that the narrative that shy people should find dating harder is merely a misconception.

Indeed, she says while shy guys may have a harder time meeting the person to date, the dating itself should be easy because introverts are more comfortable in one on one interactions. If the shy guy can get through the hurdle of extracting the woman from the social situation, he will be just fine.

The strengths of a shy guy

In fact, Sophia says that shy guys have many great qualities that give them unexpected advantages to help them thrive in the dating scene if only they would embrace their shyness.

  • Introverts have a tendency for deeper conversations, hence, deeper connections.
  • Their sense of mystery is also attractive to women. Experts indicate that shy guys carry an air of mystery around them. As a result, they are more likely to be pursued than to pursue. How cool is that!
  • Even though women want a strong outgoing man, many women still unconsciously want a man who will not compete for the spotlight with them. They secretly desire a man who will make them slow down and find quiet peace.
  • Introverts are great listeners: Sophia says that one of the most significant contributions of shy guys to the dating scene is their listening skills. Shy guys pay attention, think things through, and ask important questions. This can take a date to another level.

Experts indicate that shy guys attract more women than they realize: it just depends on them to take the first step. Ultimately, the best thing a shy guy can do for himself is to honor his introversion, treat it as something of value; something to showcase on a date.

Dating for Shy People - Man trying to make a move on woman but shy

Other people are shy too

Every shy guy thinks that he is the only one who is shy. You get so nervous about talking to other people and retreat to yourself. As a result, you ignore the thoughts and feelings of other people around you, which prevents you from seeing that other people are not social butterflies either.

Studies show that 30 to 50% of the people are introverts. Chances are, the girl you are interested in is also an introvert.

When at a social function, realize that no one is looking at you. They are looking at themselves, and many of them are also shy. When you want to approach a girl, remember that you both want to impress each other.

Let go of your need to be perfect and instead shift your perspective to providing a girl with fun experience. Maintain that and worry less about whether you are impressing her. Seek to have fun instead.

Be yourself: stick with what works for you.

The biggest mistake that guys make when they are planning a date is to go out of their way to make a big impression. The first inclination is to act differently and take the girl to a new place, as if who you are is not good enough.

Stick to places that feel good

If you do not like noisy places, that is fine. Do not force yourself to take a girl there. If the noise in a club makes you anxious, it will only set you up for failure.

Take her to places that you are comfortable with, where you can be yourself. If things turn out good, great! If they don’t, bad! However, if you pick somewhere new, there is an increased likelihood that things will not turn out good.

Pick something short and fun

One dominant trait for shy guys is exhaustion from long exposure to groups of people. Since we already saw that being around crowds drains energy from shy guys, pick something that is short and punchy.

Your aim should be to create the right combination of time to talk and know each other and at the same time have fun with one another with little talking. This will not only help you to keep your energy up but, you will also let loose without having to worry about anything.

Be your introverted self

Do not assume that every woman wants a loud and outgoing man. Believe in yourself and that you have a lot to offer. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, you will inadvertently sabotage your dating experience because you think that you are not good enough.

If you have a shy attack on a date, rather than freaking out or trying to hide it, admit to it. This gives your date an opportunity to relate or reassure you.

Women’s intuition is stronger than you realize. A woman can see right through your insecurity. And when you muster courage and tell her your intentions and desires, she will find you mature and bold, and she will definitely be impressed.

Focus on the girl during the date

It is most likely that you do not like to talk about yourself and that is perfectly okay. To keep a conversation going, you can make the girl talk about herself. People love to talk about themselves and the things that interest them; give them a chance to do so, and you will immediately win them over.

Focus your attention on your date’s life: hobbies, her job, her travels, and other interests.

Talk to someone about themselves, and they will listen for hours – Dale Carnegie

Asking questions allows the woman to open up while showing her that you really care. This also takes the pressure away from you and helps you relax.

Change your endgame

Part of the frustration during dating comes from your expectations. If you hope that every interaction with a woman will lead to an immediate new friend or partner, you will be greatly disappointed. When you narrow your expectations in such a manner, the outcome is a lot of stress, zero deep interactions, and a lot of frustrations.

What if you change your end game: you simply approach women out of curiosity. The beauty of this approach is that the moment you sense that the conversation is going nowhere, you have full permission to extricate yourself. Meeting the woman becomes your end goal: and you will meet it every time.

Lastly, Do not ruminate.

Shy guys are very hard on themselves. They will go through a past date over and over again. Unfortunately, they will focus on all the small details about what they should have done and didn’t do, and what they did wrong. This strips them of the confidence to organize another date.

In Summary,

Treat every date as a learning experience. Do not beat yourself up for what did not go according to plan. Take the lessons and move forward. Always remember, there are no wasted experiences. Every date helps you to make the next one even better, if you let it.

Thanks for reading this guide on the ins and outs of dating for shy people.

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